Struggling With My Sin
For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. - Romans 7:19
I want to share a “pivot point” in my life. Having been a Christian for some time, I thought I had a handle on most of the big theological realities. After all, I’ve been to seminary, preached a bit, and really like diving into theological stuff some would find boring. I didn’t expect to have my world turned upside down.
So here it is; I am swimming in sin. I wake up sinning, I sin throughout the day, and I go to sleep every night a sinner. I don’t love as I should, my thoughts are anything but pure, and I’m impatient. I have “fear of man”, I gossip, and I seek meaning apart from Jesus. I don’t love Jesus or others as I should. I have zero righteousness of my own.
As a Christian, I lived in a reality where Jesus was my savior but my good works were still something. I was proud of how far I’d come and how well I had figured things out. I didn’t see myself as steeped in sin. I had been measuring myself against everyone else, believing that my “goodness” somehow elevated my position before God. But in light of God’s holiness and my sin, I have absolutely no merit of my own. I can’t seem to eliminate the need to feel good about myself.
The conduct that should emerge from my salvation became its own thing. I was caught in thinking that keeping “the law” would enhance my resume. The checklist overtook the gospel and became a source of pride. It became a way to elevate myself and judge everyone else.
Jesus’ rescue of the sinner does not mean we sin less (although his work in us does produce fruit); it means that, in love, the sinless One has stepped in as my champion. He absorbed the consequence of my sin and holds on to me as his own. Zero percent me – one hundred percent him.
Jesus, you are stronger than my sin and you love me even though I can’t get it right. I’m sorry for often trusting myself and not you. Thank you for never leaving your children. Please cause me to feel your salvation the way I should.
Song: He Will Hold Me Fast (love this song)